Snow White and the Eleven Carpet Cleaners

Once upon a time a lovely little consumer named Snow White lived in an average-sized castle with her wicked stepmother, the queen. The jealous queen asked the magic mirror on the wall every single day, "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" And the mirror would always answer, "Snow White is the fairest of them all!" The wicked queen just hated this.

The wicked queen knew that if Snow White were continuously confused, it would have an adverse affect on the loveliness of her beautiful little face, so she decided to hasten the condition and delegate the drudgery of spring cleaning to Snow White. Then the magic mirror on the wall would stop telling her that Snow White was the fairest of them all. And then the wicked queen got the most wicked idea she ever had to confuse Snow White.

The wicked queen bellowed at Snow White, "Get this filthy carpet in the great hall cleaned." Snow White replied meekly, "But I rented one of those little 'Soak 'n Suck' machines at the village hardware store and I spent a whole weekend cleaning it!" "Well, I can't tell it's been cleaned and it's still wet," raged her wicked stepmother. "You just wasted my money, and I'm going to take it out of your food budget. Now call in a professional carpet cleaner and get it done right. But don't spend too much money, you ugly little girl." "Dealing with professional carpet cleaners ought to really confuse her," chortled the wicked queen to herself as she left the room. Snow White trembled.

Facing this daunting task, Snow White decided to let her "fingers do the walking," and went to the palace library to look through the kingdom's Yellow Pages. She was astounded at how many professional carpet cleaners were listed and as she began to read the ads she was confused by all the methods and claims made in the advertisements. With great trepidation she began to make her calls.

"AAAA Hotsy-Totsy Carpet Cleaners," came the answer to her first call. "This is Snow White and I need to have a room cleaned," she said sweetly. "Lady, you called the right place. We're the BEST in the kingdom. Our super-hot system heats the cleaning solution to 400 degrees Fahrenheit. The hotter the water, the better the cleaning, you know!" "But," protested Snow White, "my carpet is wool. Won't 400 degree water hurt the carpet?" "Not at all, lady," came the reply. "By the time the water gets to the carpet, its temperature is only 150 degrees." This really confused Snow White, so she decided she had better call one of the other cleaners in the book to see what they would say.

Before Snow White reached another cleaner, she encountered a strange phenomenon. The next four numbers she dialed were answered by a computer-like voice that said, "The number you have reached has been disconnected." Snow White was a little concerned. She never dreamt it would be so difficult to arrange a service. She decided to try to reach another carpet cleaner and a man answered, "AAA Gigunda Truck Carpet Cleaning. Only our 985 horsepower unit drives direct from our powerful V13 truck engine. No one will do as good a job as we can! We're Number One in the kingdom!"

"This is Snow White and I need to have our great hall cleaned," Snow White said sweetly. "But...uh-umm, our truck is broke down right now, and we won't be able to get to you for two weeks," was the reply. "Oh, I'm sorry!" replied Snow White. "I must have my carpet cleaned sooner than that." And she hung up.

Snow White reached two more disconnected numbers with large display ads in the Yellow Pages. Then a funny little voice answered a number she dialed and said, "This is Part-Time Carpet Cleaning and I'm the best carpet cleaner in the kingdom. When you hear the beep, leave your name and number and I'll get back to you." Snow White hung up sobbing just as the door of the library flew open. The wicked queen said in an overbearing voice, "Have you arranged to have that dirty carpet cleaned yet?" "No your majesty," replied Snow White meekly, "but I'm working on it as fast as I can." "You're totally incompetent!" shouted the queen, and left the room with a reverberating slam of the heavy oak doors.

Snow White was visibly nervous now. Her finger trembled slightly as she hurriedly dialed the next number. "KaBoooom Carpet Cleaner," boomed the voice on the phone. "We're the top cleaner in the kingdom because we're ten times more powerful than all the rest and we work cheap." Frightened, and near tears, Snow White said shakily, "I need a room cleaned. When can you do it?" And the voice on the phone said, "Tomorrow." "Wonderful!" replied Snow White. "I'll look for you tomorrow." She gave the address of the castle and went to her little room high up in the tower. She was nearly exhausted.

The next day came. The KaBoooom truck came across the drawbridge and stopped in front of the castle gate. When Snow White let them in the driver asked, "Where's your outside faucet, lady?" "Over there," replied Snow White, motioning toward it. As the driver hooked up the hose to the faucet, the other man lit the propane heater on the truck. "KaBoooom!" went the truck and Snow White went back into the castle to face the ire of the wicked queen.

After reaching three more disconnected numbers, two more recorders, and after another visit from the irate wicked queen, Snow White finally reached another carpet cleaner. "555-5556, please hold," a curt voice answered. Several minutes later the voice came back on the line. "Can I help you?" "Yes," said Snow White. "I need to have a room cleaned, and I need to find out when it can be done and how much it will cost." The curt voice responded, "This is an answering service. Give me your name and number and I'll have the carpet cleaner call you." So Snow White left her name and number, and after several hours of waiting decided she had better start making calls again before her wicked stepmother came back into the library.

On Snow White's next call, a child's voice greeted her on the phone with "Hello!" "Hello," said Snow White, "Is this the carpet cleaner?" "No, I'll get him for you. Just a minute." "This is the carpet cleaner," said a man's voice, "And I'm the best cleaner in the kingdom. Beware of all those other claims about sudsing, hot water, dry cleaning, and low pressure. I use 2,000 PSI. It's high pressure that really cleans a carpet, you know!" "Oh my goodness," replied Snow White. "Now I'm really confused." She decided to hang up and call one of the other two hundred cleaners listed in the Yellow Pages.

Snow White read more of the ads in the kingdom's Yellow Pages. The triple process is the only way, stated one of the ads. Dual process is the best way to clean said another. Use the dry foam method, it's the best, advised another. Others advertised that they used a rotary scrubbing method. One ad touted, dry powder cleaning is the only safe way to clean carpets. One cleaner advertised that he used fizz water and bubbled the dirt out. Another said he would spin the dirt out. In an adjacent ad, a company stated the only safe way to clean carpets is on your hands and knees, using sponges and brushes. Some said they use truck-mounts while others mentioned portable equipment. Some said, "We don't use your water," while others said, "We don't use your electricity."

Poor little Snow White! She was so confused and frightened by this time that she decided to stop calling for the day, have her supper, get a good night's rest and begin anew on the morrow. Just as she was sitting down to her supper, the phone rang. "This is Snow White," she answered softly. "This is your lucky day, Ms. White," the voice on the phone said emphatically. "This is Razzle-Dazzle Carpet Cleaners and we're going to be in your neighborhood tomorrow cleaning at a neighbor's castle, and we'd like to stop and clean your carpet while we're there. If you let us do it while we're in the neighborhood, we'll give you the super low price of only $4.95 a room to clean your carpets."

"But will you do a good job?" asked Snow White. "We're Number One in the kingdom," came the reply. "Oh! I'm so excited," chirped Snow White. "You're going to save me from the wrath of my wicked stepmother, and the price is so good. I'll see you tomorrow." Snow White gave them the address of the castle, finished supper and went to bed.

The morrow came, but Razzle-Dazzle Carpet Cleaners didn't. When Snow White called to inquire as to their whereabouts, she was told there would be a little delay but they would be at her castle in the next day or so. The next day Snow White was up with the dawn. Her wicked stepmother had severely berated her the evening before and threatened her once again. Much to Snow White's relief, she saw a station wagon bump across the drawbridge with a magnetic sign on the side proclaiming "Razzle-Dazzle Carpet Cleaners."

A man and several urchins got out and approached the castle gate. "Wow, this is a BIG room!" said the man as Snow White ushered him into the great hall. The urchins ran around and played in the vestibule. "Let's see, on my price schedule, a great hall counts as thirty rooms, so that will be $148.50 instead of $4.95. "That doesn't include the deodorizing we use, of course, and the detergent for the cleaner. And carpet protector will be a little bit more. Let's see, altogether that will be $1,653.38, plus tax." There were tears on Snow White's little cheeks as she ushered the cleaner and his urchins out and went back to the telephone to try once again to seek a cleaner whom she could trust to give her a high quality job at a reasonable price.

She was so upset she decided to get a good night's sleep and begin anew tomorrow to seek a carpet cleaner who could save her from the wrath of the wicked queen. Just as Snow White was dropping off into a troubled sleep, the phone began to ring. "This is Snow White," she answered in a sleepy voice. This is George the Computer calling on behalf of Rinky-Dink Carpet Cleaners," said the staccato-like voice on the phone. There followed a five-minute infomercial. Then the voice told her that if she would leave a name and number, someone would call tomorrow. Snow White cried herself to sleep.

The next morning, as Snow White was reading her morning newspaper, The Daily Scoop, her heart skipped a beat when she noticed an ad in the society section. Surly's Department Store had a carpet cleaning department. If a person couldn't trust Surly's, then whom could they trust? Her breathing became heavy as she raced for the telephone. "This is Surly's Carpet Cleaning Department," answered a friendly voice. "How may I help you?" "This is Snow White. I need to have a room cleaned. How much will it be?"

"We're running a special right now," replied the voice, "And it's only $24.95 a room. Or, you can have your whole castle cleaned for only $88.00." "Oh joy!" thought Snow White, seeing her chance to impress the queen. "YES! YES! Do my whole castle! When can I get it done?"

"We can work you into our schedule next week," the Surly's representative replied. And Snow White began to formulate an explanation to the wicked queen about the delay. But now she knew everything was going to be all right. Needless to say, the queen was livid with rage about the delay, but the tirade of criticism passed, and Snow White sat safely in her little room high up in the castle tower waiting anxiously for Surly's department store carpet cleaners to come and clean the whole castle. She just knew the wicked queen would be happy then.

The longest week in Snow White's life passed, and on the appointed day she was up at the crack of dawn. She kept a vigil in her little bedroom window high up in the castle tower. Late that afternoon a cloud of dust appeared on the horizon. She could see it was a Surly's truck as it moved slowly across the drawbridge. Snow White raced down the long winding stairway. As she breathlessly flung open the castle gate, she was greeted by the sound of a racing truck leaving, and over the din she heard one of the Surly's men exclaim, "No way are we gonna do that big job for 88 bucks. Let's get outa here."

She was crushed as her wicked stepmother screamed a scathing condemnation of Snow White. In her anger the wicked queen ordered her chief woodsman to take Snow White for a long walk in the woods and lose her among the beasts of the forest. "Take her so deep into the forest she won't ever be able to find her way out," instructed the wicked queen. And the chief woodsman complied. And they left for the walk in the woods immediately.

When darkness came, the woodsman slipped away and left Snow White to wander aimlessly through the night. As Snow White wandered, she fell into a deep chasm in the earth and as a result of the fall entered into a comatose sleep. According to legend, only a kiss from a young, dashing, handsome, princely carpet cleaner could awaken her.

As the sun rose over the forest the next morning, a young, dashing, handsome, princely carpet cleaner, who was taking a short cut through the woods, almost fell into the same chasm as Snow White and saw her lying in a heap at the bottom. He carefully removed her from that perilous place and as he carried her to safety, he could not help but notice her beautiful skin and ruby red lips. Being familiar with all sorts of fairy tales, thanks to his involvement with competitors in the carpet cleaning industry, the young, dashing, handsome, princely carpet cleaner said to himself, "I'll try the old wake-up kiss to revive the lovely maiden." He leaned forward, gently kissed Snow White and she awakened.

"Thanks, I needed that," said Snow White. But please don't take me back to my wicked stepmother, the queen! I can't return until I get the carpet cleaned in the great hall." "That's no problem," the young, dashing, handsome, princely carpet cleaner assured her. "I'll be happy to take care of it for you."

He didn't make any radical claims or promises, and using a Bane-Clene® system, the young, dashing, handsome, princely carpet cleaner cleaned the great hall, did it at a reasonable price that satisfied even the wicked queen. He didn't pressure Snow White or make confusing statements and the carpet looked like new when he was finished. The wicked queen was so impressed that she got off Snow White's case, and they all lived happily ever after.

Spring 2010
Cleaning Digest
INDEX